Keep reading for up close and personal interviews with some of GPJ's main characters. Up first is Pickle . . .
Ten Questions with Pickle Culpepper
Q: Hello, Pickle. Can you tell us how you got your nickname? Pickle isn’t your given name, is it?
Pickle: No ma’am. My real name is Dylan. But my daddy doesn’t like that name. Never has. Soon as I was born and my mama insisted on naming me Dylan, Daddy started calling me Pickle. Said “Dylan” reminded him of dill pickles. Now just about everybody calls me Pickle. Even Mama.
Q: Tell us about yourself, Pickle.
Pickle: Well . . . I’m sixteen years old. I go to Robert E. Lee High School. Um . . . I work at A Blue Million Books — it’s a bookstore. Uh . . . I have a little brother named Peanut. And my favorite food is Slick’s macaroni and cheese and my mama’s peach pie.
Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in Goose Pimple Junction?
Pickle: I like to hang out with my girlfriend, Charlotte. She’s real nice and real pretty too. We go to shows and football and basketball games at our high school, and we go to the diner a lot too. You know, the usual stuff. I also like to play practical jokes on my little brother, Peanut. He sure is fun to joke on. My favorite is hiding in his bedroom closet and jumping out when he comes in the room. He gets so mad! Once I hid under the bed and waited until he turned the light out to go to sleep. Then I reached my hand up and grabbed his arm. He screamed like a girl. Fun times . . .
Q: What’s your favorite goosepimpleism?
Pickle: There are lots of ‘em. But I have to say I like it when somebody says, “His pants are so tight if he farted, he’d blow his boots off.” Mama doesn’t like me to say the word “fart.” She says it’s unseemly. But I think it’s funny. I can make a fart sound with my armpit. Want me to show you?
Q: Maybe later. Have you ever won any awards?
Pickle: Sure. Just last year I was voted Person With The Funniest T-shirt. I didn’t even know it was a category, but I guess it is, ‘cause I won it.
Q: Would you like to change anything in your book?
Pickle: (Grinning) If I was writing it, I’d make all the chicks fall madly in love with me. And I’d make me the mayor of Goose Pimple Junction. And I’d make my mama order in pizza every night for dinner, and peach cobbler would always be ready and waiting at my house. And--
Q: Okay. Curb your enthusiasm. Do you always wear funny t-shirts?
Pickle: Yes ma’am. Except to church. Well, I wear ‘em to youth group, but I don’t wear ‘em to Sunday school or to the service.
Q: Do you have a favorite shirt?
Pickle: Uh huh. I like the one that says, “Lock up your daughters.” ‘Course, Charlotte gets kind of mad when I wear that one. And her daddy gives me the stink-eye .
Q: What is your least favorite characteristic your writer has attributed to you?
Pickle: I think she thinks I’m kind of a slow leak. I mean, some people think I’m as dumb as a bag of hair. But I’m not. I mean, I got Jack and me outta that bit of trouble we were in, didn’t I?
Q: Did you get to have any input into the cover art?
Pickle: (Looking dejected) No ma’am. I suggested putting my picture on the cover. You know, with maybe me running or doing something super cool. Or maybe jest looking real good. You know, a nice head shot. But Mizz Metz and Karen Schmidt liked the diner idea. It’s okay, but I think my face on the front woulda been better.
Thanks for talking to us today, Pickle.
Thank you, ma’am. I had more fun than a tornado at a trailer park.
Pickle: No ma’am. My real name is Dylan. But my daddy doesn’t like that name. Never has. Soon as I was born and my mama insisted on naming me Dylan, Daddy started calling me Pickle. Said “Dylan” reminded him of dill pickles. Now just about everybody calls me Pickle. Even Mama.
Q: Tell us about yourself, Pickle.
Pickle: Well . . . I’m sixteen years old. I go to Robert E. Lee High School. Um . . . I work at A Blue Million Books — it’s a bookstore. Uh . . . I have a little brother named Peanut. And my favorite food is Slick’s macaroni and cheese and my mama’s peach pie.
Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in Goose Pimple Junction?
Pickle: I like to hang out with my girlfriend, Charlotte. She’s real nice and real pretty too. We go to shows and football and basketball games at our high school, and we go to the diner a lot too. You know, the usual stuff. I also like to play practical jokes on my little brother, Peanut. He sure is fun to joke on. My favorite is hiding in his bedroom closet and jumping out when he comes in the room. He gets so mad! Once I hid under the bed and waited until he turned the light out to go to sleep. Then I reached my hand up and grabbed his arm. He screamed like a girl. Fun times . . .
Q: What’s your favorite goosepimpleism?
Pickle: There are lots of ‘em. But I have to say I like it when somebody says, “His pants are so tight if he farted, he’d blow his boots off.” Mama doesn’t like me to say the word “fart.” She says it’s unseemly. But I think it’s funny. I can make a fart sound with my armpit. Want me to show you?
Q: Maybe later. Have you ever won any awards?
Pickle: Sure. Just last year I was voted Person With The Funniest T-shirt. I didn’t even know it was a category, but I guess it is, ‘cause I won it.
Q: Would you like to change anything in your book?
Pickle: (Grinning) If I was writing it, I’d make all the chicks fall madly in love with me. And I’d make me the mayor of Goose Pimple Junction. And I’d make my mama order in pizza every night for dinner, and peach cobbler would always be ready and waiting at my house. And--
Q: Okay. Curb your enthusiasm. Do you always wear funny t-shirts?
Pickle: Yes ma’am. Except to church. Well, I wear ‘em to youth group, but I don’t wear ‘em to Sunday school or to the service.
Q: Do you have a favorite shirt?
Pickle: Uh huh. I like the one that says, “Lock up your daughters.” ‘Course, Charlotte gets kind of mad when I wear that one. And her daddy gives me the stink-eye .
Q: What is your least favorite characteristic your writer has attributed to you?
Pickle: I think she thinks I’m kind of a slow leak. I mean, some people think I’m as dumb as a bag of hair. But I’m not. I mean, I got Jack and me outta that bit of trouble we were in, didn’t I?
Q: Did you get to have any input into the cover art?
Pickle: (Looking dejected) No ma’am. I suggested putting my picture on the cover. You know, with maybe me running or doing something super cool. Or maybe jest looking real good. You know, a nice head shot. But Mizz Metz and Karen Schmidt liked the diner idea. It’s okay, but I think my face on the front woulda been better.
Thanks for talking to us today, Pickle.
Thank you, ma’am. I had more fun than a tornado at a trailer park.
Ten minutes with Tess
Q: Tess, I hear you’re relatively new to town. Why did you choose to move here?
Tess: I passed through GPJ on a vacation once, and I fell in love with it. It’s a beautiful town with residents who are warm, friendly, and sincere. When I wanted to relocate after my divorce became final, I remembered the quaint southern town. I was lucky enough to buy a wonderful old house with lots of character. I don’t think I could have picked a better place.
Q: I hear you got into a speck of trouble. Did that color your opinion of GPJ?
Tess: Oh no, not at all. That was a fluke. I hear there hasn’t been a serious crime in town for many, many years. The fact that I moved in and found a little mayhem was unique. And you can’t judge a whole town on just a few of its residents.
Q: Are you and Amy alike in any way?
Tess: Well, don’t tell her I said so, but she’s a bit of a klutz, which I’m sorry to say is an affliction from which I suffer. The two of us together are quite a pair. Jackson says I could trip over a cordless phone. Amy and I are also both writers.
Q: What are your favorite scenes in your book: the action, the dialog or the romance?
Tess: Definitely the romance. Although I have to say, I begged Amy to put in more romance scenes. She seemed to take particular delight in causing things to happen to keep Jackson and me apart. I thought Jackson was going to blow a gasket once. You should have seen his face. Well, if you read the book I expect you will see his face. So to speak.
Q: Are you happy with the genre your writer has placed you in?
Tess: Yes, although there are several genres that apply. The book could be considered chick lit, or a cozy mystery, or even historical fiction, if you get right down to it. But I think the mystery is the biggest part of the story, so it belongs in that category.
Q: Tell us about your boss, Louetta Stafford.
Tess: Lou is both my boss and my good friend. She’s an extraordinary woman. She’s seen tragedy in her life, but she’s still one of the happiest persons I’ve ever met. She’s just flat out fun to be around. She’s almost eighty years old, but she looks and acts sixty. And she’s a great cook.
Q: How did you meet Jackson Wright?
Tess: (with a big smile) Shortly after I moved in, I started seeing him around town. We always exchanged looks, but I didn’t formally meet him until I was sitting in a coffee shop one day. He sat down at a nearby table. I was working on a book I’m writing, but as soon as he sat down, my concentration was completely broken. I couldn’t think of a thing to write. I wasn’t interested in dating, so I started a list of his potentially bad traits to keep myself out of trouble. I was typing them into the computer to make it look like I was hard at work, and the bullet points got more and more outrageous. I cracked up laughing, and he wanted to know if I was laughing at him. I was, but I couldn’t tell him so of course, and I wasn’t laughing at him in the way he thought. Anyway, he introduced himself by saying we’d howdied but we hadn’t shook yet. I knew he was a character from the get-go.
Q: Can you give us a hint about GPJ5?
Tess: Well, I’ve been sworn to secrecy, but I can tell you that in GPJ5, Caledonia and Wynona are the main characters once again. And even though I said that mayhem is rare in GPJ, we do seem to experience a bit more of it lately. But that’s all I’m saying!
Q: What’s your favorite goosepimpleism?
Tess: Oh, Lou’s got a million of them, or as she would say, a blue million of them. I don’t know if I have a favorite, but off the top of my head I’d say, “You can just get glad in the same pants you got mad in.”
Tess: I passed through GPJ on a vacation once, and I fell in love with it. It’s a beautiful town with residents who are warm, friendly, and sincere. When I wanted to relocate after my divorce became final, I remembered the quaint southern town. I was lucky enough to buy a wonderful old house with lots of character. I don’t think I could have picked a better place.
Q: I hear you got into a speck of trouble. Did that color your opinion of GPJ?
Tess: Oh no, not at all. That was a fluke. I hear there hasn’t been a serious crime in town for many, many years. The fact that I moved in and found a little mayhem was unique. And you can’t judge a whole town on just a few of its residents.
Q: Are you and Amy alike in any way?
Tess: Well, don’t tell her I said so, but she’s a bit of a klutz, which I’m sorry to say is an affliction from which I suffer. The two of us together are quite a pair. Jackson says I could trip over a cordless phone. Amy and I are also both writers.
Q: What are your favorite scenes in your book: the action, the dialog or the romance?
Tess: Definitely the romance. Although I have to say, I begged Amy to put in more romance scenes. She seemed to take particular delight in causing things to happen to keep Jackson and me apart. I thought Jackson was going to blow a gasket once. You should have seen his face. Well, if you read the book I expect you will see his face. So to speak.
Q: Are you happy with the genre your writer has placed you in?
Tess: Yes, although there are several genres that apply. The book could be considered chick lit, or a cozy mystery, or even historical fiction, if you get right down to it. But I think the mystery is the biggest part of the story, so it belongs in that category.
Q: Tell us about your boss, Louetta Stafford.
Tess: Lou is both my boss and my good friend. She’s an extraordinary woman. She’s seen tragedy in her life, but she’s still one of the happiest persons I’ve ever met. She’s just flat out fun to be around. She’s almost eighty years old, but she looks and acts sixty. And she’s a great cook.
Q: How did you meet Jackson Wright?
Tess: (with a big smile) Shortly after I moved in, I started seeing him around town. We always exchanged looks, but I didn’t formally meet him until I was sitting in a coffee shop one day. He sat down at a nearby table. I was working on a book I’m writing, but as soon as he sat down, my concentration was completely broken. I couldn’t think of a thing to write. I wasn’t interested in dating, so I started a list of his potentially bad traits to keep myself out of trouble. I was typing them into the computer to make it look like I was hard at work, and the bullet points got more and more outrageous. I cracked up laughing, and he wanted to know if I was laughing at him. I was, but I couldn’t tell him so of course, and I wasn’t laughing at him in the way he thought. Anyway, he introduced himself by saying we’d howdied but we hadn’t shook yet. I knew he was a character from the get-go.
Q: Can you give us a hint about GPJ5?
Tess: Well, I’ve been sworn to secrecy, but I can tell you that in GPJ5, Caledonia and Wynona are the main characters once again. And even though I said that mayhem is rare in GPJ, we do seem to experience a bit more of it lately. But that’s all I’m saying!
Q: What’s your favorite goosepimpleism?
Tess: Oh, Lou’s got a million of them, or as she would say, a blue million of them. I don’t know if I have a favorite, but off the top of my head I’d say, “You can just get glad in the same pants you got mad in.”
Eat at Slick & Junebug's Diner
Slick and Junebug, I’ve got to ask you about your unusual names. Did Amy give you those or are they nicknames?
Slick: What’s wrong with our names?
Junebug: Oh, don’t listen to this old coot, I’ll tell you about our names. You’re right, they’re both nicknames. Slick has worn his hair slicked back like that ever since he was a boy. His mama used the pomade very liberally. Folks started calling him Slick, and it stuck. My name came about on account of two things: one is I was born in June, and the other is when I was a baby my daddy said I was no bigger ‘n a bug, so they started calling me Junebug.
Can you tell us your given names?
Slick: Clarence.
Junebug: Shirley.
Those are nice names, but I do like Slick and Junebug better. I hear you’re one of the best cooks around, Slick. Who taught you to cook?
Slick: My mama, bless her heart. She was a better cook than I am, and in fact I’d hire her over at the diner if she were alive today. She taught me everything I know about cooking.
What’s your favorite food to make?
Slick: I make the best cheeseburger you’ll ever put in your mouth.
Junebug: He’s right, he does.
Amy: His cheeseburgers are so good they’ll make your tongue slap your brains out.
What would you call a cheeseburger in diner lingo?
Junebug: Burn one, take it through the garden and pin a rose on it.
So all your cheeseburgers are well-done?
Slick: Naw, Burn one just means I grill it. Want me to make you one right now?
Maybe later. What’s your favorite thing he makes, Junebug?
Junebug: I love anything he bakes. There ain’t nothing in our diner that’s store bought. It’s all made from scratch, even the life preservers.
Life preservers?
Amy: She means donuts.
Junebug: Slick makes killer donuts. But I’d have to say I like his pies the best. He doesn’t make one that I wouldn’t climb through all of Georgia to get to.
Amy: His Eve with a lid on is the best thing you ever put in your mouth. It’s won the town fair blue ribbon for as long as anybody can remember.
Slick: She means apple pie.
Ah. What’s your favorite thing to order in diner lingo?
Junebug: You mean, what do I like to say the best?
Yes, when you head to the kitchen to place an order. What’s your favorite thing to say?
Junebug: Well, I love to-go orders because I can say, “Let it walk” or “Give it shoes.” And I love nervous pudding. You know what that is?
No idea.
Junebug: Gelatin. Bossy in a bowl is a goodun too.
That’s got to have something to do with a cow. Is it chili?
Slick: No, it’s beef stew. You know what I like the best?
No idea.
Slick: Clean up the kitchen.
Junebug: Not literally; he means hash.
Slick: It’s not only good tasting and fun to say, but I get to use up a lot of food that otherwise would get tossed.
I hear that the diner has two regulars who occupy counter stools every single day. What do they order the most?
Junebug: Trouble.
Slick: Ah, she’s just kidding. Clive and Earl are talkers, though. First of all, they always have coffee. Clive likes his black.
Junebug: Which in diner lingo is mud.
Slick: And Earl likes his coffee with cream and way too much sugar. I always tell him he likes coffee in his sugar.
Junebug: That’s called a blond with sand.
Amy: And two cups of coffee are called a pair of drawers.
Interesting. What else do Clive and Earl like?
Slick: Anything.
Junebug: Everything.
Slick: They usually order the blue plate special. I change it up so they have something different every day.
Junebug: And even though Earl doesn’t have one tooth in his head, he’ll order and eat just about anything. It might take him longer, but it doesn’t deter him.
What does Amy usually order?
Amy: Slick does something to his ham that’s out of this world. I don’t know what it is, but a ham sandwich with lettuce and tomato and some sweet tea is good eating.
Slick: That’s my Noah’s boy, and she always wants to take it through the garden.
Amy: He means lettuce and tomato. Sometimes he’ll add onion – pin a rose on it – when he has a sweet Vidalia onion sitting around. But actually, any of Slick’s baked goods are my favorite.
Junebug: He makes pies with six-inch high meringue, cakes with icing an inch thick, big fat chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies, donuts, brownies, you name it, Slick makes it, and it’s good.
Okay, folks. I’d better let you get back to work. And you all are making me hungry. Can I have that cheeseburger now?
Junebug: Burn one, Slick. You wanna take it through the garden and pin a rose on it, hon?
Absolutely.
Slick: What’s wrong with our names?
Junebug: Oh, don’t listen to this old coot, I’ll tell you about our names. You’re right, they’re both nicknames. Slick has worn his hair slicked back like that ever since he was a boy. His mama used the pomade very liberally. Folks started calling him Slick, and it stuck. My name came about on account of two things: one is I was born in June, and the other is when I was a baby my daddy said I was no bigger ‘n a bug, so they started calling me Junebug.
Can you tell us your given names?
Slick: Clarence.
Junebug: Shirley.
Those are nice names, but I do like Slick and Junebug better. I hear you’re one of the best cooks around, Slick. Who taught you to cook?
Slick: My mama, bless her heart. She was a better cook than I am, and in fact I’d hire her over at the diner if she were alive today. She taught me everything I know about cooking.
What’s your favorite food to make?
Slick: I make the best cheeseburger you’ll ever put in your mouth.
Junebug: He’s right, he does.
Amy: His cheeseburgers are so good they’ll make your tongue slap your brains out.
What would you call a cheeseburger in diner lingo?
Junebug: Burn one, take it through the garden and pin a rose on it.
So all your cheeseburgers are well-done?
Slick: Naw, Burn one just means I grill it. Want me to make you one right now?
Maybe later. What’s your favorite thing he makes, Junebug?
Junebug: I love anything he bakes. There ain’t nothing in our diner that’s store bought. It’s all made from scratch, even the life preservers.
Life preservers?
Amy: She means donuts.
Junebug: Slick makes killer donuts. But I’d have to say I like his pies the best. He doesn’t make one that I wouldn’t climb through all of Georgia to get to.
Amy: His Eve with a lid on is the best thing you ever put in your mouth. It’s won the town fair blue ribbon for as long as anybody can remember.
Slick: She means apple pie.
Ah. What’s your favorite thing to order in diner lingo?
Junebug: You mean, what do I like to say the best?
Yes, when you head to the kitchen to place an order. What’s your favorite thing to say?
Junebug: Well, I love to-go orders because I can say, “Let it walk” or “Give it shoes.” And I love nervous pudding. You know what that is?
No idea.
Junebug: Gelatin. Bossy in a bowl is a goodun too.
That’s got to have something to do with a cow. Is it chili?
Slick: No, it’s beef stew. You know what I like the best?
No idea.
Slick: Clean up the kitchen.
Junebug: Not literally; he means hash.
Slick: It’s not only good tasting and fun to say, but I get to use up a lot of food that otherwise would get tossed.
I hear that the diner has two regulars who occupy counter stools every single day. What do they order the most?
Junebug: Trouble.
Slick: Ah, she’s just kidding. Clive and Earl are talkers, though. First of all, they always have coffee. Clive likes his black.
Junebug: Which in diner lingo is mud.
Slick: And Earl likes his coffee with cream and way too much sugar. I always tell him he likes coffee in his sugar.
Junebug: That’s called a blond with sand.
Amy: And two cups of coffee are called a pair of drawers.
Interesting. What else do Clive and Earl like?
Slick: Anything.
Junebug: Everything.
Slick: They usually order the blue plate special. I change it up so they have something different every day.
Junebug: And even though Earl doesn’t have one tooth in his head, he’ll order and eat just about anything. It might take him longer, but it doesn’t deter him.
What does Amy usually order?
Amy: Slick does something to his ham that’s out of this world. I don’t know what it is, but a ham sandwich with lettuce and tomato and some sweet tea is good eating.
Slick: That’s my Noah’s boy, and she always wants to take it through the garden.
Amy: He means lettuce and tomato. Sometimes he’ll add onion – pin a rose on it – when he has a sweet Vidalia onion sitting around. But actually, any of Slick’s baked goods are my favorite.
Junebug: He makes pies with six-inch high meringue, cakes with icing an inch thick, big fat chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies, donuts, brownies, you name it, Slick makes it, and it’s good.
Okay, folks. I’d better let you get back to work. And you all are making me hungry. Can I have that cheeseburger now?
Junebug: Burn one, Slick. You wanna take it through the garden and pin a rose on it, hon?
Absolutely.
Meet Mr. Wright
Q: Jack, are you a native Goose Pimple Junctionian?
Jack: Goose Pimple Junctionian? Is that a word?
Q: It is now. So are you?
Jack: No, I moved to GPJ in 2004. I lucked out though, and bought a house next to Louetta Stafford, the unofficial queen of GPJ.
Q: Why is she the queen?
Jack: Louetta has lived here all her life, and she knows everyone and everything that has to do with Goose Pimple Junction.
Q: In Murder & Mayhem, you often serve as “translator” for Tess. If you’re not a native of GPJ, how is it that you are you fluent in Southern speak?
Jack: I grew up in a small town in Kentucky, and I’ve heard it all! It would take a lot to stump me when it comes to Southern speak.
Q: Okay. Let’s try. Get your straw out of my Kool-Aid. What does that mean?
Jack: Mind your own business.
Q: Geez, I was just curious.
Jack: No, literally! That phrase means to mind your own business.
Q: Oh. Okay. How about "She had a hissy fit with a tail on it?"
Jack: That means her fit is worse than usual. She’s mad and you’d better watch out.
Q: Busted two sets of kneecaps.
Jack: Walked too much.
Q: You can put your boots in the oven, but that don’t make ’em biscuits.
Jack: Just because you say so, doesn’t make it true.
Q: Okay, let’s pretend it’s Saturday at noon. What are you doing?
Jack: I’m walking Ezzie, or helping Tess in the yard, if it’s a nice day outside. Except for in the summertime. In the summertime, when the heat is 98 with humidity to match, I’m letting Ezzie out for a quick ‘do your business,’ and then I’m either reading or writing, or I’m taking a drive in my red ’54 Chevy, down one of the scenic country roads around here, with Tess in the passenger seat and Ezzie on her lap – her head out the window, nose in the air, and her ears flapping in the wind.
Q: Ezzie is known for her ability to sniff out a tennis ball or a cupcake with uncanny ability. Has she done anything new lately? I think the last I heard, she’d opened the refrigerator and raided it?
Jack: Yes, she was real bad about that for a while. I don’t give her much of a chance to do that anymore. I think the funniest thing she’s done lately was when we took her to a pet store, and she found a display of tennis balls and lay down on the floor in front of them with an expression on her face like she’d found Santa Claus.
Q: She’s so cute. I visited Slick & Junebug’s Diner the other day. What’s your favorite meal at the diner?
Jack: Oh man, that’s a hard one. I love everything Slick makes. All of his baked goods, all of his breakfast dishes, you can’t go wrong with any dinner entrees . . .
Q: Jack! Pretend you’ve been away from GPJ for a while. When you return, you go to the diner. What do you order?
Jack: Okay, if you put it that way, I’d say Slick makes a right smart heart attack on a rack.
Q: And that would be?
Jack: Biscuits and gravy, of course. You’re not from around here, are ya?
Jack: Goose Pimple Junctionian? Is that a word?
Q: It is now. So are you?
Jack: No, I moved to GPJ in 2004. I lucked out though, and bought a house next to Louetta Stafford, the unofficial queen of GPJ.
Q: Why is she the queen?
Jack: Louetta has lived here all her life, and she knows everyone and everything that has to do with Goose Pimple Junction.
Q: In Murder & Mayhem, you often serve as “translator” for Tess. If you’re not a native of GPJ, how is it that you are you fluent in Southern speak?
Jack: I grew up in a small town in Kentucky, and I’ve heard it all! It would take a lot to stump me when it comes to Southern speak.
Q: Okay. Let’s try. Get your straw out of my Kool-Aid. What does that mean?
Jack: Mind your own business.
Q: Geez, I was just curious.
Jack: No, literally! That phrase means to mind your own business.
Q: Oh. Okay. How about "She had a hissy fit with a tail on it?"
Jack: That means her fit is worse than usual. She’s mad and you’d better watch out.
Q: Busted two sets of kneecaps.
Jack: Walked too much.
Q: You can put your boots in the oven, but that don’t make ’em biscuits.
Jack: Just because you say so, doesn’t make it true.
Q: Okay, let’s pretend it’s Saturday at noon. What are you doing?
Jack: I’m walking Ezzie, or helping Tess in the yard, if it’s a nice day outside. Except for in the summertime. In the summertime, when the heat is 98 with humidity to match, I’m letting Ezzie out for a quick ‘do your business,’ and then I’m either reading or writing, or I’m taking a drive in my red ’54 Chevy, down one of the scenic country roads around here, with Tess in the passenger seat and Ezzie on her lap – her head out the window, nose in the air, and her ears flapping in the wind.
Q: Ezzie is known for her ability to sniff out a tennis ball or a cupcake with uncanny ability. Has she done anything new lately? I think the last I heard, she’d opened the refrigerator and raided it?
Jack: Yes, she was real bad about that for a while. I don’t give her much of a chance to do that anymore. I think the funniest thing she’s done lately was when we took her to a pet store, and she found a display of tennis balls and lay down on the floor in front of them with an expression on her face like she’d found Santa Claus.
Q: She’s so cute. I visited Slick & Junebug’s Diner the other day. What’s your favorite meal at the diner?
Jack: Oh man, that’s a hard one. I love everything Slick makes. All of his baked goods, all of his breakfast dishes, you can’t go wrong with any dinner entrees . . .
Q: Jack! Pretend you’ve been away from GPJ for a while. When you return, you go to the diner. What do you order?
Jack: Okay, if you put it that way, I’d say Slick makes a right smart heart attack on a rack.
Q: And that would be?
Jack: Biscuits and gravy, of course. You’re not from around here, are ya?
Meet Louetta Stafford
Q: Who is your favorite author?
Louetta: You mean besides Amy Metz? Well, I reckon it would be Mark Twain. I wish he were alive today. I think he’d be fun to date.
Q: What do you think makes a good story?
Louetta: Oh, I’d say interesting people doing interesting things in an interesting way. And it doesn’t hurt to make you laugh. I don’t like to cry, but I love to laugh. And I love a good mystery with a nice little love story.
Q: Tell us about your family.
Louetta: Well, I’m the youngest of four children, the mother of Martha Maye, and the grandmother of Butterbean. My husband has moved into upper management, God rest his soul.
I’m guessing you don’t mean he got a promotion at work.
No, I mean he passed on. But we were married for fifty-two wonderful years.
Q: What was the scariest moment of your life?
Louetta: Without a doubt it was in 1935 when they told me my daddy had been murdered. I wasn’t even knee-high to a duck, but I knew what murdered meant. I remember the look on Mama’s face. And all the people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It was a terrible time.
Q: I’m so sorry. Let’s talk about some happy things. Are you reading any good books right now?
Louetta: I swan, I’m always reading something. I own the town bookstore, don’t ya know. Right now I’m reading a right good book called Life Minus 3 and 1/2 by Dennis Hart. You’d like it. You come on by the store, and I’ll give you a discount.
Q: What songs are most played on your iPod?
Louetta: My what?
Q: Never mind. What is your favorite meal?
Louetta: Ooh, law, I love fried chicken with mashed taters and gravy, corn pudding, and hot rolls or corn sticks. It doesn’t get any better than that. And for dessert, peach pie. Mmm mmm. Now you’ve gone and made me hungry.
Q: What would we find under your bed?
Louetta: Under my bed? Hmmm. I ‘spect you might find some books, some dust bunnies, and my late husband’s slippers. They belong there. The slippers, not the dust bunnies. I can’t ever seem to keep up with those thangs.
Q: Tell us about your favorite restaurant.
Louetta: My favorite restaurant is absolutely Slick & Junebug’s Diner. Slick does the cooking, and Junebug does the serving. Outside of my kitchen, you can’t get a better home cooked mill.
Q: Mill?
Louetta: You’re not from around here, are ya? M-e-a-l. Mill.
Q: Oh. Sorry. What makes you happy?
Louetta: My family, talking to God, a flower garden, the town’s Fourth of July celebration, sitting under a shade tree. Lawzy, there are lots of things that make me happy. It don’t do anybody any good to be sad.
Q: What is the next big thing?
Louetta: Oh, it’s got to be that new book that's coming out, Rogues & Rascals in Goose Pimple Junction. I’ll sell ya that’n too, when you come by the bookstore.
Q: What one word best describes you?
Louetta: Young at heart. Well, that’s three words, but I think it counts as one.
Q: What is something people would be surprised to know about you?
Louetta: I was Miss Goose Pimple Junction 1948. You never woulda guessed that, would ya? Yeppie, those were the days.
Q: You just won a huge lottery what is the first thing you'll buy?
Louetta: Books for everybody in town. Murder & Mayhem In Goose Pimple Junction, Heroes & Hooligans in Goose Pimple Junction, and Short & Tall Tales in Goose Pimple Junction.
Q: Do you have a favorite quote, quip, or saying?
Louetta: Sure. Doesn’t everybody?
Q: What is it?
Louetta: “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” Groucho Marx said that. Come to think of it, I wish he were still alive too.
Louetta: You mean besides Amy Metz? Well, I reckon it would be Mark Twain. I wish he were alive today. I think he’d be fun to date.
Q: What do you think makes a good story?
Louetta: Oh, I’d say interesting people doing interesting things in an interesting way. And it doesn’t hurt to make you laugh. I don’t like to cry, but I love to laugh. And I love a good mystery with a nice little love story.
Q: Tell us about your family.
Louetta: Well, I’m the youngest of four children, the mother of Martha Maye, and the grandmother of Butterbean. My husband has moved into upper management, God rest his soul.
I’m guessing you don’t mean he got a promotion at work.
No, I mean he passed on. But we were married for fifty-two wonderful years.
Q: What was the scariest moment of your life?
Louetta: Without a doubt it was in 1935 when they told me my daddy had been murdered. I wasn’t even knee-high to a duck, but I knew what murdered meant. I remember the look on Mama’s face. And all the people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It was a terrible time.
Q: I’m so sorry. Let’s talk about some happy things. Are you reading any good books right now?
Louetta: I swan, I’m always reading something. I own the town bookstore, don’t ya know. Right now I’m reading a right good book called Life Minus 3 and 1/2 by Dennis Hart. You’d like it. You come on by the store, and I’ll give you a discount.
Q: What songs are most played on your iPod?
Louetta: My what?
Q: Never mind. What is your favorite meal?
Louetta: Ooh, law, I love fried chicken with mashed taters and gravy, corn pudding, and hot rolls or corn sticks. It doesn’t get any better than that. And for dessert, peach pie. Mmm mmm. Now you’ve gone and made me hungry.
Q: What would we find under your bed?
Louetta: Under my bed? Hmmm. I ‘spect you might find some books, some dust bunnies, and my late husband’s slippers. They belong there. The slippers, not the dust bunnies. I can’t ever seem to keep up with those thangs.
Q: Tell us about your favorite restaurant.
Louetta: My favorite restaurant is absolutely Slick & Junebug’s Diner. Slick does the cooking, and Junebug does the serving. Outside of my kitchen, you can’t get a better home cooked mill.
Q: Mill?
Louetta: You’re not from around here, are ya? M-e-a-l. Mill.
Q: Oh. Sorry. What makes you happy?
Louetta: My family, talking to God, a flower garden, the town’s Fourth of July celebration, sitting under a shade tree. Lawzy, there are lots of things that make me happy. It don’t do anybody any good to be sad.
Q: What is the next big thing?
Louetta: Oh, it’s got to be that new book that's coming out, Rogues & Rascals in Goose Pimple Junction. I’ll sell ya that’n too, when you come by the bookstore.
Q: What one word best describes you?
Louetta: Young at heart. Well, that’s three words, but I think it counts as one.
Q: What is something people would be surprised to know about you?
Louetta: I was Miss Goose Pimple Junction 1948. You never woulda guessed that, would ya? Yeppie, those were the days.
Q: You just won a huge lottery what is the first thing you'll buy?
Louetta: Books for everybody in town. Murder & Mayhem In Goose Pimple Junction, Heroes & Hooligans in Goose Pimple Junction, and Short & Tall Tales in Goose Pimple Junction.
Q: Do you have a favorite quote, quip, or saying?
Louetta: Sure. Doesn’t everybody?
Q: What is it?
Louetta: “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” Groucho Marx said that. Come to think of it, I wish he were still alive too.